Global market players have left early to go on holidays, having universally agreed that the year of the Rabbit sucks, the market sucks, and that it makes sense to have a little rest before the Dragon enters the scene and provides enough lift to see above the snails, bugs and worms. Fundamental and long term analysts worldwide have taken redundancy packages, and are now studying architecture, Japanese writing and Zen meditation techniques.

Hedge fund managers are checking themselves into $5,000-a-day therapy retreats, attempting to use the holiday period as a time of quiet and introspection, to ponder how easily a fool and his money are can be parted in a fearful world – and to ask the Great Baal’s support for entrenching the trend. 

German poker players are studying Angela Merkel’s brink(wo)manship technique, while fraudsters the world over are trying to copy a process that allows Germany to shame every one of its Euro partners into servile guilt-trips, even while banking hundreds of billions of extra export dollars by simply refusing to deal the second round of cards.

Australian finance experts have decided to go on Christmas break and NOT take advantage of record 50-year-low interest rates to fix infrastructure and growth bottlenecks, calculating that such work can always be done by someone else, with someone else’s money, in a different new year. Instead, the World’s Greatest Treasurer and sundry advisers have agreed to implement austerity measures, so their shiny new suits won’t stand out amongst the other shabbily dressed finance ministers at the G20 Christmas function buffet punch-bowl.

Financial advisers nationwide have decided to switch their superannuation to Industry Super Funds, and have commissioned a delegation to beg Minister Shorten for Treasury assistance in comparing the pair, so they know which of the 14 industry funds the guy in the tv ads belongs to.

Santa is holidaying in San Tropez with Mrs Claus, having laid off 95% of the elf workforce, subcontracting all toy manufacture to China, distribution to the US Postal Service, and all children enquiries to customer support centres based out of Mumbai. With Hedge Fund support, he intends to list the parent company which holds the “Christmas”, “Merry” and “Seasons Greetings” proprietary rights on the New York stock exchange early in the new year.

Merry Christmas

Season’s Greetings

uh…